Alucard at Walmart
by SirIntegrity
Summary: Title explains all. Besides killing, Alucard's passion is to act psychotic and completely insane. Not for people with high maturity levels or sophisticated humor. Leave flames behind. Now including the intervention!
1. Alucard at Walmart

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.

Integra slid into the driver's seat and put her key in the ignition...and nearly cursed when she saw something materialized beside her in the passenger's seat out of the car.

"Where are we off to, Master?" Alucard asked, strangely cheery-sounding.

"Alucard, what are you doing?!" He looked at her as though she was mentally impaired.

"Accompaning you. Now, where are we going?" Oh great. Alucard had been drinking some intoxicated human's blood again. But he didn't smell like alcohol.

She sighed, starting the car.

"Walmart," Alucard snickered.

"The Convention slim down on your revenue?"

"I decided that perhaps I should direct the budget cuts towards myself instead of towards the weaponry. Especially after the incident with the fake silver bullets ordered off of the internet; that was a disaster."

"Yes, I saw how highly you thought about me during that mission, giving me the cheap bullets," he rolled his eyes. Integra smirked.

The drive was silent, terrifying Integra. He was planning something.

After circling the parking lot several times, Integra finally gave up on a parking slot near the front and parked near the back. She hesitated before turning the engine off.

"Alucard, don't embarrass me, please. Just...try to be as normal as you can without causing yourself to explode. No one appreciates your insanity."

"Oh, master, you're so silly. You're the only one who decides whether you're embarrassed or not," So Alucard wasn't going to behave. Goody.

And so, from the minute Alucard set foot out of the car, the games began.

Integra watched as Alucard darted around the parking lot humming the Mission Impossible theme rather loudly, pausing every once in awhile to glance around frantically, and then walk sideways slowly as though against a wall, and then charge forward, acting as though his hands were a gun. She rolled her eyes, but decided this stunt was only childish and he wasn't hurting anyone. Yet. Though the passing cars looked rather shocked to see a grown man doing this.

He stopped, arms and legs spread out like he was pinned to a fat X, humming the last note. Holding it. Until he collapsed to the ground, causing several people walking by to glance down at him.

"Are you done?" Integra asked. He popped up like an Alucard-In-the-Box (scaring a little girl to tears).

"Yes. Shall we proceed?" He grinned, standing up.

Alucard gaped at the doorway, glancing at Integra like, "Can you frickin' believe this?" His eyes got wider as each person walked by.

"Yes, Alucard, it's an automatic door," Integra said dryly. He clapped his hands excitedly.

"It's just like in Star Wars!" He exclaimed. She nodded and then walked in. He continued to say how simply amazing they were, jumping in and out of them. He eventually grew bored and marched behind her singing the accompanying song to when Darth Vader enters the scene.

Integra got a cart and Alucard asked the greeter for two of the "smiley face stickers". He stuck one of them over Integra's right eye lens.

"You look like a pirate," he said approvingly.

"And where'd you stick yours?" She asked, not seeing it on his forehead. He grinned.

"I wanted to let everyone know how I was feeling," he explained. She peeled the sticker off of her lens and glanced down.

"Alucard!" She shrieked in shock, ripping the sticker off of his frontal reproductive organs. He frowned.

"You made me sad, Integra," he said as though speaking to a small child.

"You made me embarrassed, Alucard," she used the same tone, trying to get the sticky substance off of her lens.

Once she got the worst of it off, she put them back on. Somehow, Alucard had gotten himself into the baby cart and was now swinging his legs to and fro.

"Push me!" He yelled, causing several diners at the small McDonald's restaurant inside of Walmart to stare.

Integra, seeing no other way if she didn't want to make herself look like a fool, pushed the cart at a much slower rate. How could something so elusive be so heavy?

"WWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" Alucard exclaimed. A young infant in another cart made the mistake of staring at him.

Alucard's eyes narrowed.

"What are you looking at, maggot? Do you want to race? Huh?"

"Alucard, stop intimidating small children."

"Yes, master."

On their way to the hygienics, they passed by the aisles of food. Alucard glanced passively at the aisles.

"Got milk, Integra?" He asked casually.

"No, not yet. Could you make yourself useful and turn into fog or a bat or something lighter?" She grunted. He paused.

"Got eggnog, Integra?"

"That's out of season."

"Got juice, Integra?"

"No."

"Got coffee, Integra?"

"I don't like coffee. You know that."

"Got tea, Integra?"

"We have plenty at home."

"How about water?"

"Again, plenty at home."

The conversation took them to the women's sanitary section. Integra picked up a box of Tampax and tossed them into the cart. Alucard turned around, picked up the box and read it.

"Gentle glide? That sounds sexual. Master, are you buying _to-oys_?" Integra sighed.

"Alucard, you know what those are for."

"Yes. You buy them when you're in an especially bitchy mood," Alucard gasped, "Does this mean you're-"

"Whatever disgusting filth is about to pour from your mouth, I don't want to hear it," she cut him off. She went to go get some shampoo.

Great. She turns around and he disappears. She turned back to get toothpaste. Surprise, surprise, he was magically back in the baby cart, grinning.

"I just dumped a dozen boxes of condoms into someone's car when they weren't looking."

"Lovely."

Then they proceeded to home and gardening. Walter had asked her to pick up some fertilizer for the garden while she was out. Alucard changed the prices idly on the other items. Suddenly, his eyes lit up and he phased out of the cart. He raced over and grabbed a ladder, and then set it so it angled up to a security camera.

Integra watched as he climbed to the top run. He then proceeded to stick his pointer finger as far up his nostril as was possible and dug around for a good minute. He pulled out a mucus covered finger, glanced at it, and then licked it off. Integra's stomach turned. She watched in grotesque fascination as he proceeded to clean the other nostril and spread his snot all over the camera lens. She burst out laughing despite herself. He glanced over and grinned at her.

"Mr. Brown to returns, Mr. Brown to returns," The intercom announced. Integra's laughter was cut short as Alucard fell dramatically from the ladder, the ladder landing on top of him.

Several men in blue Walmart vests came over.

"Sir! Sir, are you all right?!" They all exclaimed. Alucard stared at them in fear.

"WHY CAN"T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOONE?!" He bawled, curling into the fetal position. The employees glanced at each other and scattered as his cries became louder. Integra heaved the fertilizer onto the bottom of the cart and wheeled it over to Alucard.

"They're gone now. It's all right, the blue vested men are gone," she said in a mockingly soothing tone. Alucard peered at her from between his fingers.

"You promise?"

"Yes, I promise," he stood up and acted like nothing had ever happened.

They walked on back from the home and gardening section. In order to go to the food section again, they first had to pass the toy aisles.

Alucard noticed a little girl looking at an Elmo doll. She was thinking about buying it for her baby brother for his first birthday. Alucard grinned.

"Let me out, Sarah..." The little girl jumped back. Alucard snickered, "...I can't breathe. Please, let me out, Sarah. I'll be your bestest friend..."

Integra rushed to the little girl, feeling a maternal need to protect her from Alucard's cruellness.

"It's all right. It's all right. You see that man over there?" Integra pointed at Alucard, who was casually leaning against a display of remote controlled cars. The little girl nodded, "He was making that...little red thing talk. The red doll's all right."

"No, I'm not," Elmo insisted.

"He didn't move his lips!" The little girl shrieked.

"Neither did the stuffed cretan," Integra pointed out. The little girl sighted her parents and went crying to them. Integra received glares.

"I can't believe you did that!" She hissed at Alucard. He simply shrugged.

"I was only saving her allowance. Her brother will just coat it in drool. Got milk?"

"No. You're such a monster," Now he was starting to hurt people. She needed to get out, quick.

Bbbbppp. Integra furrowed her eyebrows. Bbbbppp. She knew that offending noise...

"Integra! Really! How rude!" She slowly turned towards him.

He was squeezing an orange self-inflating whoopie cushion in his hand. Bbbbppp.

"Is something running down your leg? Seriously, Master!" Integra snatched the whoopie cushion and threw it at his head.

"Grow up!" She growled. He stared at the whoopie cushion on the floor as Integra stormed away.

"I'm sorry. I'm only trying to have fun," he murmured. He took a few strides and whispered in her ear, "We can go play with the hula hoops."

"There are hula hoops?"

"Oh yeah. Big, sparkly ones," Integra glanced out of the corner of her eye at him.

"Why do you have to go and do that?" He grinned.

"Because no one can resist the hula hoop."

For a minute, Integra was happy. Hula-hooping reminded her of a much simpler time, back before she met Alucard, before she took over Hellsing, before her father died and she learned that her uncle was a bloody scum bag. It reminded her of sunny spring days, and Walter smiling from the sidelines, and her father dragging out a hula-hoop and doing it right beside her. She was amazed to find that she still could do it as long, if not longer, than when she was eleven. It was all in the hips.

"How are you holding up, Alucard?" She asked.

"Mmmm?" She glanced at him.

His eyes were fixated on her hindquarters, leaning forward on his hula-hoop.

Integra stopped and then proceeded to hit him repeatedly over the head with the hula-hoop.

"Hey! What?!"

"You were staring at my ass!"

"If you assault everyone who stares at your ass, there are going to be a lot of men with boo-boos!" He grabbed her hula-hoop and wrestled it out of her hands and then put both of them away.

"Let's go get some milk, shall we?!" Integra yelled.

"Yes! To the milk department!" Alucard agreed, wielding the cart around like it was a WMA.

An employee stood at the end of the aisle, his expression displaying that he had seen the entire thing. Alucard's eyes grew wide, his expression possessed, as he walked very deliberately towards the employee with the cart. Integra stormed along side him, the assault with the hula-hoop not adequate revenge.

"You're _one_ of them!" Alucard hissed menacingly into the employee's ear as they passed. The employee stiffened, his eyes widening as though he had been stamped by the Mark of the Beast.

They left the toy section and started moving towards the food aisles. Alucard cocked his head and then started singing along to the song playing over the speakers, just an octave higher than the song.

"It starts in my toes, makes me crinkle my nose and...la la la I don't know the words la la...you make me smile, make me feel like a child now."

"That is so not how the song goes," Integra muttered.

"Da da da da dada dadada," the song suddenly stopped, "Hey! I was singing to that!" Alucard insisted, glaring at the ceiling.

"Jane Doe, please come to the-" The announcement began, but was soon drowned out by Alucard's screams.

"NO! NO! NO! IT'S THE VOICES IN MY HEAD AGAIN! THE VOICES IN MY HEAD!!" He clamped his hands over his ears, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. Integra glanced at the adults that stared at him.

"You'll have to excuse him," she told them, "You see, he's on a day pass..."

The announcements stopped and "Bubbly" came back on. Alucard immediately stopped his behavior and started singing again.

"They start in my toes, make me crinkle my nose..." He started singing again, following Integra down an aisle.

"Integra?"

"Yes, Alucard, we're getting milk."

"No, not that. Can I have this?" He pointed at a six-pack of black cans with a green "M" on it. Integra read the label.

"Are you high off of cocaine or something?! I'm not getting you an energy drink when you're practically bouncing off the walls!"

"But they're really good… If I promise not to bou-"

"No. You do not need an energy drink."

"Ple-"

"No! That's final!"

"Yes, master," he pouted, dejectedly following Integra as she got a jug of milk, "Two percent? Is that because you think you're fat?"

"I just like two percent better!" She hissed. Alucard shook his head.

"You aren't fat, master. Not in the least."

"So help me, Alucard, I will send you back to the car!" Integra spun the cart around angrily. She jumped as he appeared yet again in the baby seat.

"Got milk?"

"Yes, we have milk."

Integra pushed him down the aisles. He glanced over at the house wares section. Integra turned to look closer at a portrait and he was out of the baby seat. Really, he acted exactly like a toddler.

Before she knew it, he was in the baby seat again.

"I just set all of the alarms to go off every five minutes," he announced. Integra fastened the baby belt around him. He stared at her as if to say What did I do?

She pushed the cart out of house wares and towards the sporting goods.

"And what do you think this child restraint shall accomplish?"

"I'm getting tired of all of this in and out business. You either stay in the cart or you stay out of the cart."

"No mere strap of tightly woven cloth and plastic shall stop me if I choose to escape my bindings and roam freely about this multifaceted proconsumer commercial chain and then return to this cold plastic and metallic seat meant for infants at my own free will," Integra stared at Alucard.

"In. Or. Out." She stated. He narrowed his eyes.

"I hate it when you give me ultimatums," he muttered, but phased out of the seat.

She didn't realize he had gone towards the guns until she glanced up and noticed he wasn't with her.

He was handling a rifle thoughtfully, frowning and his eyes showing utter misery. A salesman came over.

"May I help you?" He inquired. Alucard looked at him emotionlessly.

"Actually..." he took a deep breath, "Could you tell me where the antidepressants are?" The sales clerk glanced at the gun and then back at Alucard.

"At the pharmacy," he replied. Alucard put a hand on his shoulder and looked meaningfully into his eyes.

"Thank you," he murmured, giving the gun back to the shocked employee. Integra smirked as Alucard hid a snicker.

"Come on, Drama King. Let's get you some pills," she joked.

"I'M NOT DRAMATIC!" He yelled.

They passed by another female employee on their way. Alucard leaned over and whispered, "Code: Blue" in her ear. Her eyes immediately widened as she fumbled for her walkie talkie.

"Wonder what that means," Alucard mused.

"It means there's a vampire wreaking nerves left and right, causing the store to fall into utter chaos and insanity," Integra said. Alucard smiled.

"I didn't know you spoke corporate lingo," he said. Integra rolled her eyes.

They also passed by a music sampler. Alucard glanced at it, and then pressed as many of the music sampler buttons as he could at a time, as rapidly as he was capable of and as many times as he could. The speakers stuttered, trying to keep up with his choices.

"Do you have a reason for this?" Integra asked. Alucard paused.

"It relieves my stress," he stated matter-of-factly. Like he knew anything about stress...

Integra found herself needing to use the WC. She glanced at Alucard. Could she leave him alone for that long?

He seemed to be talking to something inside of her purse, telling it that he would let it out in a minute. She sighed. She'd risk it.

"Alucard, I'm going to the bathroom. Try to restrain yourself," she muttered, pushing open the womens' restroom.

"No, Master, it's a trap!" He screamed. She shook her head and continued.

She came back to a red trail dribbling towards the men's restroom, though she was pretty sure it wasn't blood. Alucard had entangled himself in bungee chords, hooked to the cart. He grinned at her.

"I restrained myself," he said. She walked up to him and pinched his cheeks.

"And I am so proud of you!" She let go, "What else did you manage to do?"

"What do you mean?"

A woman ran screaming by, a rabid hamster foaming at the mouth and practically nipping at her heels.

"Knock it off, Spiffy, or she'll never adopt you!" he yelled at the hamster. He glanced at Integra, "And they put wonderful creatures like him down."

"So, a trail of tomatoe juice to the men's restroom, letting loose a small, deranged rodent and making a straight jacket out of bungee chords. What did you do with the remaining 90 seconds while I relieved myself?"

"I may have had some fun in the pet section, putting male beta fish together and tapping on the fish tanks. And I may have tried to order a pizza. Apparently they don't deliver to Walmart."

"Untangle yourself. We have one more section I want to visit and then we can go home."

"Awww. I was having so much fun here," he phased through his bindings and followed his master, yelling to another woman heading for the bathroom that it was a trap.

Integra took a deep breath, loosening her grip on the cart's handle. The only other stunt he had pulled on the way was moving a "wet floor" sign to a carpeted area. But she was sure he'd find plenty of mischief in the woman's clothing department.

She found a couple nice blouses and slacks, and even a reasonable dress for those sort of occasions, but had lost track of Alucard. A very dangerous thing. She didn't dare call out for him; he was likely to run away from her instead of come towards her. Well, if worse came to worse, she'd just go up to the front desk and have them page-

"PICK ME! PICK ME!" Integra jumped a near foot in the air, giving a strangled shrieking noise. Alucard peeked out from the clothes rack he had hidden himself in. Integra growled.

"Alucard, I swear, if you don't start acting your age..." Alucard lay down on the ground, eyes staring blankly, completely motionless, "You know what I mean."

"I _was_ acting my age. Only people in biblical times lived as long as I have, so I'm being dead."

"Get up. Wait for me," she ordered, going towards the dressing rooms. He trotted along.

Integra slid into a stall, glad for the privacy. Alucard wouldn't dare come in here. She found, to her delight, that she had gotten a size too big in one pair of slacks. And she was even bloated.

"There's no toilet paper in here!" Alucard whined from the men's changing rooms. Integra sighed.

"There isn't a toilet either!" She yelled back. There was a long pause.

"...oh...oops," Alucard murmured. Integra bit back a laugh, imagining the woman at front's reaction.

Time passed and Integra had finished going through her outfits. She had to exchange some for different sizes, but she liked the way they looked on her. She glanced around the fitting room, but couldn't see the black dress. Maybe she had left it in the cart...

"Integra! Come out!" Alucard demanded.

"I only have one more outfit," she said.

"Come on!" He whined. Did she just hear him stamp his feet? She gathered the outfits and stepped out, wondering who was the master and who was the servant.

And there it was. The button up short sleeve black dress that would have come just above her knees, but on Alucard came just an inch or two short of being censored. His shoulders barely fit into it, so he was slightly hunched over. A few thoughts ran through Integra's mind all at the same time. He's wearing my dress. He's amazingly unhairy for a man. Does he use Nair? Why was he so smooth and unhairy? It was very slimming on him. Why did Alucard feel the need to wear a dress?

"Isn't it sexy?" He asked.

"Yes, very. Go back in the changing room and take it off, then put your regular clothes on and give the dress to me," she gave him very specific instructions. Knowing him, it probably wouldn't be beyond any of his boundaries to walk around in the nude.

There it was, she thought with relief. The home stretch. Just get through checkout, get through the parking lot and then this nightmare would be over. She could go home and pretend nothing ever happened. And she would _not_ let Alucard go out in public again.

She scanned the cart one last time, and sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that hour. She picked the items up and closed her eyes.

"Alucard?"

"Yes?"

"Put the thongs back. I will not wear them."

"They aren't for you," Integra's eyes flashed open, and half a dozen faces flashed by. She cringed, "Well, aren't you curious who they're for?"

"No!" Alucard pondered a minute.

"If you wanted to wear them, I don't mind sharing," he said generously. He curiously held up a black lace bra to her.

"Take all lingerie back to their respective departments! And the energy drinks!" She yelled. Alucard frowned.

"But it would look so cute on you," he pouted.

He vanished for a minute, and then reappeared, the items disposed of. They got into line...and Integra froze. Alucard grinned excitedly. _Don't even speak, _Integra warned him telepathically. Everything that could go wrong at Walmart apparently was.

"So, you're a priest, Mr. Anderson?"

"Aye. I look after the orphans in the orphanage."

"Oh, that's very..." The clerk's casual conversation ended abruptly as he held a box in his hands. Father Anderson's eyes grew to the size of fully blown-up balloons.

"Those are _not_ mine!" He exclaimed. The clerk grabbed for the next item...which was another box. In fact, there was about a dozen of them. Along with bras, thongs, and a pack of Monster energy drinks.

Integra's mouth fell open as she realized what had happened. Alucard, unable to contain it, burst out laughing.

"I SWEAR! I HAD NO IDEA...THAT THAT WAS...HIS CART! NO CLUE, I JUST DUMPED THEM AND JUST PICTURED THEIR EXPRESSION...THIS IS A VERY PLEASANT SURPRISE, I MUST SAY!" Anderson's face changed from shock to pure fury.

"You foul demon!" He hissed and pulled out of seemingly nowhere quite a few blessed bayonets.

"Code: Blue, Code: Blue! It wasn't a false alarm; there really is a perverted priest with holy weapons and a psychotic vampire in a blood red trenchcoat preparing for a duel to the death at the checkout!" The employee screeched into his walkie talkie.

Integra rubbed at her temples, sidestepping the battle and moving to a different checkout lane.

"I'm going to just buy my things and drive home," Integra said to Alucard, "If there's anything left of you by the time this fight is over, you can find your own ride home."

"Okay!" Alucard agreed, he and Anderson logrolling into an England souvenir shelf.

Without a second thought towards Alucard, she went home. A very concerned Seras was there to greet her.

"Sir Integra, I think there's something you ought to see," she said quietly, her kitten eyes wide, "I think, I think Master may be addicted."

"To cocaine?" She asked wryly. She shook her head.

"Something stronger. I, I'm afraid."

Seras led Integra down to the basement and to Alucard's den.

"I'm warning you; it's not a pretty sight," she murmured.

"Neither is Alucard in a dress," Integra grumbled. Seras looked at her curiously, and Integra shook her head. She didn't want the poor fledgeling to be as scarred as she had been this afternoon.

Seras nudged the door open. Sir Integra's eyes widened.

"Oh my gosh!"

"I know. You can't even see the floor."

"He's not even picky! It's just any brand!"

"Do you think he's trying to kill himself?" Seras asked in a hushed tone. Integra shook her head.

"I, I don't know."

"There must be something, some void inside of him he's trying to fill," Seras reasoned.

"Well, this isn't the answer," Sir Integra motioned at the trashed room. She shook her head, "We'll have to have an intervention when he gets back from fighting Anderson."

"Anderson?"

"You'd be surprised at what can happen at Walmart. It does explain his strange mood, though," Integra said to herself.

"Let's go somewhere else. I can't even look at it! Just the thought of him...and all this..."

"It could be worse."

"How?"

"He could be addicted to killing...more."

Seras went out first, and then Sir Integra, who shut the door on the room of that floor that was covered in empty energy drink cans.

&

I can't believe I just wrote that. Maybe I'm the one hopped up on energy drinks, not Alucard. Really, that has to be one of the strangest things ever written. Can't believe I'm going to put this on the Internet...oh well. Please don't flame; I have a fragile soul.

Update: 8/26/08

Wow...there are honestly no words to describe how grateful and flattered I am at the success of "Alucard at Walmart", especially since I seriously considered not finishing it and barely convinced myself to post it. I just wanted to post a quick note of thanks for all that have read, reviewed, favorited, and especially laughed at Alucard's antics (IC or OOC). I have gotten more favorites than any story I've ever written and more reviews for a one-shot.

Thank you so much for your support. If a writer doesn't write for the readers, they aren't writing for the right purposes in my belief. I just want to make people happy with my God-given gift.

Encouraged by reviewers, I will not leave Alucard without help with his energy drink addiction. A follow-up one-shot is in the works, "Intervention". Suggestions are greatly appreciated, and I hope to not scare your mind too much. If you thought the black dress was bad... Again, thank you.


	2. Intervention

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, just the stunts.

"We have to handle the subject with sensitivity," Seras insisted. Integra stared at her.

"Are you positive you know who the subject is?"

"Well, we can't go into this like a bull in a china shop," Walter exclaimed.

"How else do you expect to get through his thick skull? Suggestions didn't help, hiding the substance didn't work, trying to contain him was a disaster... force is the only option," Seras kept her thoughts to herself. They were running out of options to save Master from himself. But force against Alucard was as useful as breeding a mule.

Integra shook her head.

"Whatever the tactic, we need to remain a united front," she noted. Yeah right, she thought to herself. Forcing Alucard to do something he didn't want to do was like trying to feed a cranky, picky toddler. He'd press his lips shut, fold his arms, and refuse no matter the consequence.

"I don't think we should wait much longer. Who knows what he's up to in there?" Walter surpressed a shudder.

They all moved towards the conference room. Integra rested her hand on the doorknob, slowly turning it. She eased the door open.

Alucard was casually making flatulent noises with his lips, drumming his fingers on the table's edge. His poison wasn't far away, explaining his odd behavior. Integra sighed, Seras cringed, and Walter rolled his eyes. Alucard cut off his noises mid pffft and gave a wide, toothed grin that would make Barbie look like she was frowning.

"Wazzup?" The loudness of his greeting made the girls jump. They quickly composed themselves.

"As if you don't know," Integra muttered, pulling up a seat across from Alucard. Seras sat on her left and Walter to her right. Alucard's fingers continued to drum, his eyes darting between the three.

"Master, I'm... we're concerned for your well being," Seras said hesitantly. Alucard cocked his head to the side.

"Why?"

"Because your usual insanity has been left in the dust by your recent increase of unbelievable psychotic proportions," Integra said under her breath. Walter nudged her foot gently with the toe of his shoe in warning.

"You haven't been yourself lately," Seras rephrased.

"Really? I haven't noticed a difference," His right eye twitched.

"You're rather fond of those energy drinks, aren't you?" Integra asked. Alucard grinned in response.

"Do you know how horrible those things are for you?" Walter asked, pointing at the open black can beside him.

"Does that really apply to me?" Alucard wondered outloud. Walter shrugged.

"I have no idea what applies to you when it comes to these. Nothing should affect you, since your bloodstream doesn't even move. You've managed to defy physics...again."

"They're good," Alucard said, taking a long drink.

"They may taste good, but they're horrible for your body," Seras said, "I've heard of people dying from those things."

"Well, yeah. The stupid humans that don't read the advisory label. I read it, and I'm not a child nor have a heart condition nor pregnant nor nursing."

"You are the first one," Integra said under her breath so Walter wouldn't hear her. Alucard smirked at her remark.

"It's still a bad habit you need to quit," Walter insisted.

"Do I? I don't see any reason to," Alucard took another drink. Seeing that practicality wasn't getting them anywhere, Seras changed her approach.

"We miss the old you," she said. He cocked his head.

"I've changed?"

"You're not nearly as bloodthirsty," Integra commented. Seras and Walter glared at her.

"Will you stop trying to undermine us?" Walter insisted. Integra smirked. At least Alucard was amused at her poking fun at them.

"This addiction has rooted itself into your life. It's all you think about, it's all you care about, it's all you do!" Seras exclaimed.

"I'm really not understanding what's so bad about this," His non-drink arm jerked dramatically in the air, "Sorry, that happens sometimes."

"I was on my computer the other day and do you know what I found?" Integra asked. Alucard slammed his hand on the table, causing a couple of cracks.

"Harry Potter Puppet Pals!"

"No! I found someone's account on Ebay, and I am not "hottiered-yundead-y"."

"...I like Youtube."

"Are you selling things off of Ebay to pay for your addiction?" Walter's voice rose.

"Of course. How else do you suppose people get their money for their addiction?"

"The list was interesting," Integra said, "Everything from make-up to World War II metals."

"Is that where my make-up went?" Seras screeched. Alucard turned to her.

"What did you think happened to them? Sir Integra borrowed them?" He laughed at the thought. Walter's jaw dropped open.

"Are you telling me you sold my World War II metals?"

"You didn't even earn them," Walter began to object, but then fell silent.

"Do you want to be a hobo vampire with his energy drinks living on the street and sleeping in dark, filthy alleyways?" Seras exclaimed. Alucard seemed to be considering.

"...that wouldn't be so bad," Seras shook her head.

"It's like we're losing you," she murmured, her voice slightly strangled.

"What happens if you OD?" Walter asked. Alucard looked at him strangely.

"You can't overdose on energy drinks if you're already dead… Can you?"

"I'm sure at the rate you're consuming, it's possible," Walter said.

"I've tried to stop," Alucard admitted, "But then I realized I see no reason in stopping. Worst five minutes of my life." …That was really pathetic, considering how many worse events had happened in his long life.

"You're destroying yourself, you realize this? Your potential, your talent… All of it going to waste due to this, this garbage," Sir Integra motioned at the can.

"You're one to talk, Miss Box of Cigars a Day. The only reason I kill vampires is to please you," he said. Seras looked at him sadly.

"Is this what this is all about? You fell under the pressure that Sir Integra has placed on you?" Integra glared at Seras. Alucard laughed.

"What pressure? Killing a few maggots is stressful? To who, you?"

"Then what are you doing this for? Attention?"

"No."

"Are you depressed?"

"No."

"Did something happen in your past that would cause you to go this direction?"

"No."

"Were you pressured by your peers to do it?"

"No."

"Is there a void you're trying to fill? An empty space inside of you?"

"For God's sake, Seras, I don't need to be psychoanalyzed. I just like energy drinks," he took a thoughtful swig, "You know, most people are given a couple years before an intervention," Integra smirked.

"Most people take time for their addiction to get worse. You just skyrocketed straight to the top," he chuckled.

"What can I say? I'm not gonna waste time."

"Master! Don't do this! We love you!" Seras exclaimed. Integra glared at her.

"Don't include me in your exclamations of affection," she commanded.

"Energy drinks are not the answer!" Seras continued. Alucard arched his eyebrow.

"What was the question?" Sir Integra sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"The fact is, Alucard, this isn't healthy and it's affecting all of us. It needs to stop," Alucard folded his arms over his chest.

"No," he refused.

"Look, it isn't going to be easy, but we'll be there for you, every step of the way," Seras promised quickly. Alucard snatched up his drink.

"NO!" He screeched, cradling it like it was his first born. Integra got to her feet.

"Stop it! That's an order!"

"NOOOOOO!" Integra charged around the table, reaching for Alucard. Alucard began rebounding against the walls, bouncing around like a basketball covered in grease shot out of Seras's Harkonnen. Integra mostly followed with her eyes, shouting at him rather interesting threats. Seras tried to help catch him and Walter just sat there, trying to remember where he left his wallet.

Eventually, the energy drink worked its way out of his system and he collapsed on the table. In a strange and uncharacteristic seven minutes, Alucard bawled his eyes out in the fetal position saying he knew he needed to stop and that was going to be his last drink ever. Then, he passed out, leaving the three interveners to stare at each other in confusion and disbelief.

"Do, do you really think Master's going to stop?" Seras asked timidly. Sir Integra shook her head. Walter sighed.

"I'm not sure, Miss Victoria. The success of an intervention completely depends on the individual. We can only hope and pray he's true to his word."

After much sweat, tears, and the occasional scream/hair pulling, it's done. I'm sorry for such a long wait; I was debating on putting more to it but for the sanity of all readers, decided against it. So I guess I'm sorry for disappointment as well… Fear not, many more crack fics are in the works, a couple starring my favorite pervert and yours Mr. Pip Vernedette.


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